The Friendship Journal
by Heidikins05
Summary: Ryou wants to bring his friends closer together as a group, so he introduces a Friendship Journal, which he wants them all to write in. COMPLETE! ecstatic cheering
1. Default Chapter

Here's another story from ME, Heidi! I gave up on my Seto's Secretary one, some people liked it, some people loathed it, someone reported it without leaving their name and I'm not going to put it back up. When it comes to Kaiba falling for his secretary people aren't interested – my flamers all take Yu-Gi-Oh way too seriously for my stories. But anyway, here's my latest!



Dear journal.

…

No, that sounds stupid. I hate that line, "dear journal," I must erase it!

…

No, actually, it stays! I am Bakura, the Great Bakura, tomb-robber (and lover) extraordinaire! The Great Bakura is always right, the Great Bakura is never wrong, anything that comes out of the Great Bakura's mouth –or pen – is perfect and must never be erased! The Great Bakura…

Is talking in third person. Sad.

This is all Ryou's fault! Stupid hikari. He calls this a "friendship journal." All of his stupid friends (and not-so-stupid, not-so-friendly friends, ie me) are going to have to write in this stupid thing and then read it aloud when it's finished and "feel closer as a group."

I know. It's okay. I threw up too when I heard him. What an idea! I am not even his friend! I am the yami who shares his house because I would kill him if he didn't share.

…

Well, maybe I'm kind of his friend…..

Anyway I have nothing to write in this! It's stupid.

…

My hikari just came in. I complained aloud. He told me to write about my day.

I refuse! My day was personal! Anyway my hand hurts. It's someone else's turn to write now!

– Bakura, Tomb-robber and lover extraordinaire



I'm back. Not by choice, so don't get so excited. Well actually it is by choice, but it wasn't much of a choice.

See, I stopped writing and took this journal into the kitchen where Ryou was, cutting carrots for dinner.

I hate carrots.

Anyway, I dumped the journal on the chopping board in front of Ryou –I hoped he'd mistake it for a carrot and cut it to pieces – even though carrots are orange and you are blue.

But instead, I surprised my hikari and he slipped and cut his finger.

Then he started to cry. Wimp. It was just a flesh wound! He's had worse, I know, I did it to him!

Anyway, I hate it when men cry. It makes me mad and I just usually kill them so they shut up. Can't kill Ryou though, then my Shadow Power cuts in half.

So instead, I disappear into the Millennium Ring.

Then I discover that my hikari was only PRETENDING to cry. How did I discover this? I hear you ask, inanimate blue journal.

Because as soon as I go into the Ring, Ryou holds it above the garbage disposal unit and says he'll put it in if I don't write in you.

I got outta the ring and took you to my room, inanimate blue journal. And now that I have written in you, I am going to flush you down the toilet.

– Bakura, Tomb-robber and lover extraordinaire, afraid of the garbage disposal unit.



Well that was chapter one! Please RR, and no flames please! I'm over them! If everyone likes this I have the next two chappies ready, and then I'll need you people to vote on who's journal entry is next! More on that later!


	2. Ryou's Entry

The Friendship Journal

Chapter Two



Dear Friendship Journal,

This is Ryou. What were you doing in the toilet?

…

I think I can guess. I would go yell at Bakura, but he's in the kitchen. In the kitchen with KNIVES. Although for my personal safety they're all terribly blunt.

Anyway, I've managed to dry you out, although you still "smell like Joey's bathroom after he ate 50 burritos that time."

That is of course a direct quote from Bakura, not me. I don't find toilet humour that amusing.

I am writing to you to prove a point to Bakura actually, because he says it is physically impossible to write about your day in a royal blue friendship journal without turning into women's-knickers-wearing pansy git who deserves a kick in the arse.

Bakura is very crude. I must stop letting him hang around with Marik Ishtar.

Anyway, to prove my point to Bakura, I am now going to write about my day.

Well, I was woken early by my alarm clock, got up and said clock in Bakura's room so it would wake him up. Then I went downstairs to make breakfast.

After a few minutes I heard breaking glass and I knew Bakura had thrown the alarm clock through the window again. I really must stop waking him up with alarm clocks.

As revenge I filled his lunchbox with carrots. Bakura hates carrots. I can't understand why, they're a perfectly wonderful and dignified food.

…

I guess it is because Bakura is not wonderful or dignified.

…

He just proved my point by reading over my shoulder and saying that if I don't erase the previous sentence he is going to sodomise me with a carrot.

I won't erase my sentence, but I WILL stop speaking of carrots – I've gone off them a little as well.

Anyway, back to my story. We went to school today, and Bakura ran amok, as usual. At least the carrots came in handy. Anyway that's his story to tell.

So school was somewhat amusing. The best thing happened when I got home – my cousin's phoned me. Apparently they want to visit.

If they knew Bakura they wouldn't want to. Still, as long as I keep them well away from him they should live to come again some day.

…

That reminds me – I must ask Yami to retrieve my mother from the Shadow Realm, she's been there for months.

…

Damn Yami Bakura.

…

Well, that was my day. Now I am going to show this to Bakura.

…

Ouch. I showed you to Bakura, friendship journal. He pulled my pants off to see what underwear I was wearing, then kicked me in the bum.

I must start taking him more seriously.

…

Oh no, he's coming back! What's that? …. Oh! How sweet! He wants to write in you, friendship journal! (His exact words were "give me that book before I make you eat it.") Of course you can have it Bakura, write away! It's good to know you have a soft side.

…

Ouch. He broke a carrot over my head. It's more painful than it sounds. (A/N: Really, I think it would be! Try it!) What a bastard.

…

Oh no he's coming back with his arms outstretched, I think he's going to –

hug me. He likes being a bastard.

…

Yes, my yami is odd. He just hugged me again; he likes being odd.

I'm too scared to write anymore, he might kiss me next. Goodbye.



Okay loyal readers, this is real important – please review and answer this very important question: NEXT CHAPPIE IS BAKURA WRITING AGAIN, BUT THEN WHO SHOULD COME NEXT? I'm leaning towards Joey, so that then from there he can inflict the journal on Kaiba (like ncsgirl suggested, it was a good idea), but I'm willing to write something else if lots of people want like, Marik or someone.


	3. Bakura's Second Entry

Heidi: WORDPAD! Oh its been a while. Blah blah. Brodie ran away to Bethany. Well if that stupid-math-clown-loving piss head bum crapper wants to run away as soon as the maths is gone, that is her problem. FOOL! I will not be abandoned! You Mr-Savage's-maths-classes-loving math person! I spit at you! Grr…….. The penguin man will get you! Oh you want to fight me? No, you must fight me with card-thingies Brodie-boy! But first… you must card-fight someone else! While I sit at a big table in a big castle and drink red wine. Oh-HO, so you want to jump off my castle eh? You math-loving bug-eater! I shall walk on your grave!

Brodie: Don't think i'm going to apologies to you. u wouldn't let me use your computer. I'm going to Bethany and listen to Placebo.

Heidi: Well poo-poo to you, artichoke head! I will not be abandoned for good music and Miss Anitema, who I DISCOVERED playing MATH GAMES! So, WHO LOVES MATHS EH, BRODIE-BOY! THAT'S RIGHT, YOU! You traitor Mr Savage pom-pom-pushing bum poo! You ain't all that and a bag of potato chips!

Brodie: does not bother to answer

Heidi: Yes, you are INSULTED! Go kiss raspberries you knob!

Brodie: raspberries are yum so i can kiss them as much as i like, I'd kill Mr Savage with a fork anyday, you don't have the pants to, you pansy boy.

Heidi: Obviously you don't know what raspberries ARE, you lightbulb-head! I roll my eyes like a surfie at you! You are a mathematical disgrace, Brodie-boy!

Brodie: I'd rather be a mathematical disgrace than a smarty-pants like you who think's they are god's gift to men but really are a hairy old wog girl, with a moustache.

Heidi: Mathematical disgrace is nothing to be proud of, window-licker! MR SAVAGE IS A MATHEMATIAL DISGRACE AND YOU ARE HIS SECOND BEST FRIEND! I unclog my nose at you, you pig-dog! Excuse me while I sip my wine, laugh, and sit at my big table drinking wine, Brodie-boy!

Brodie: MR SAVAGE WOULD BE PROUD OF YOU!

Heidi: …………………… For drinking wine at my big table, watching a TV screen of all the goings-on in my castle like a pervy-freak guy, hello my name is Pegasus?

Brodie: leaves

Heidi aka Pegasus: YES! YOU RAN AWAY! I WIN, BRODIE-BOY! much sipping of wine Ahh yes, wine…

Ooh, sorry about that, my friend and I were having a bit of a discussion and I think I'll leave it there. Anyway!

The Friendship Journal, Chapter 3

Alright stupid –

…

That's better, that's a GOOD way to start a stupid journal entry.

Anyways, my hikari wrote about his day (actually he cheated because it wasn't detailed). Anyway, after I dacked him and kicked him up the – oh by the way, I was surprised he wasn't wearing women's knickers, he seems the type. He wears boxers,

…

No, blue ones. Not pink. Dammit, I'm usually really good at guessing people's underwear. For example, I know I only wear red boxers, and Marik wears black.

…

Except for that time his hikari Malik hadn't done the washing so he went commando. Boy did his leather chafe! Bahahahahaha!

But Marik's bikini line isn't the point – that's actually a gross topic. But I had to put that story in here in case someone reads this.

Anyway, the story I actually WANT to put down in you, inanimate royal blue friendship journal, is the one that happened today.

Firstly, I hate going to school. My retard hikari makes me do it. Marik's hikari makes HIM do it. And Yami's hikari makes him do it – HA HA STUPID PHAROAH, ANYTHING IS WORTH SEEING YOU SUFFER!

…

Except maths. I am in maths. Stupid Yami isn't. Marik should be but he tends to go off and torch cats. Marik hates cats. Can't understand why. He's Egyptian isn't he?

So anyway, there I was rotting away in maths class. Outside I could see the Pharaoh and his short, disgustingly-big-eyed hikari doing sport.

I hate them. I should have been doing sport! Hitting people with wooden bats is always fun – oh, and ACCIDENTAL.

Anyway, then I see Marik casually wander over and set Yami's shirt on fire. Classic, I know. Ryou calls Marik a "pyromaniac." I call him Marik.

So then the incredibly boring math teacher waddles outside to help. I don't know how a fat MATH teacher planned to deal with a FIRE but oh well.

Marik yelled "stop, drop and roll baby!" and demonstrated, only he rolled all the way home. Odd.

So the teacher was gone and I was lying on the table laughing at Marik, like anyone would. Unfortunately Kaiba –

We all know Kaiba, right? Tall, rich, really aggro? I think he has a pole up his arse 24/7.

Anyway, Kaiba was sitting next to me and I was laughing on his papers. Here's what happened:

Kaiba: What the hell is so funny? Marik just tried to kill the Pharaoh in the middle of Phys Ed. Now get off my Math.

Me: Chill Kaiba. Look, out the window, someone's dying!

Kaiba: I KNOW, you mentally retarded worm! Get off the desk before I FORCE you off!

Me: Force me huh? How about I take that cedit card of yours and swipe it where the sun don't shine!

Kaiba: Go ahead and try.

So, inanimate royal blue friendship journal, I DID try. I managed to get his wallet out of the pocket of that poncy white jacket, but as I was getting out the credit card, Kaiba broke a chair over my head.

But I think I can safelt say that I won that fight. I didn't fall over when Kaiba hit me with the chair, so there. I was planning on disembowelling him with one of the chair legs actually (once I stopped seeing double), but Ryou got some carrots out of my lunchbox and threw them at me and I calmed down.

I hate carrots.

Bakura, Tomb Robber and Lover Extraordinaire, when I rule the world I will destroy all carrots and Kaiba's stupid jacket!

Well that was the third one, hope you liked it. My friend is reading over my shoulder which is annoying. I have decided the next few chappies are: Yami, to Joey, to Kaiba, to Marik, to Tristan, to Duke... and that's it so far. Enjoy! Please R&R!


	4. Giving Away The Journal

Okay I've had a fair few reviews from people and I didn't get to email them all a reply like a I usually do and now I feel bad so I'm gonna thank them from here. Ahem:

Laurasblossumetcetc: Sorry I don't have your name on me and I think I replied to you already but anyway. Thanks for your review, I kinda followed your guidelines sorta :D. I'm glad I made you laugh hysterically, please R&R again like you promised :)

Her Sweetness: Aww I'm so glad you reviewed and said I was funny coz I really love your stories:) Thanks for saying my idea was brilliant and don't put yourself down I happen to think your ideas are V. original. Marik is my fave character too… well he's kinda tied with Bakura and Kaiba, BUT anyway… Thanks for saying I'm simply amazing, I feel so speshy.

Sami Ryou's Hikari: Your name confuses me, isn't Ryou already a hikari? Anyway, thanks for reviewing, Marik and Kaiba are going to write in this shortly. You wanted Bakura to kiss Ryou, I'd kinda like that too, so I kinda had it planned for the end of the story, so yeah. You'll have to keep reading to find it! And the way I see it, Bakura is probably every girl's lover extraordinaire, I see him and Marik as… players, I think that's the word. ABOUT THE CARROTS EVERYBODY! I personally think Kura has DEVIL HORNS in his hair (not real horns, his hair is shaped like horns) but I've heard people call them bunny ears and I'm thinking "gee, he'd probably be fair pissed off if he knew people said he had bunny ears. He must hate bunnies, everything about them… including carrots…" And that's how the carrot thing began. About the boxers thing: I'm planning to explain that soon, in Marik's entry, I just have to think of a reason Bakura has seen his boxers.

Phwee? Yami hobo: My sister has a hobo yami (actually she claims to have three). I originally wanted the Jou/Kaiba plan, but the Yami thing was good too, so I ended up doing eeny-meeny-miney-mo out loud as I walked down the street to school and yeah, I got weird looks but the eeny-meenies chose Yami. Thanks for being amused by my story!

Computerfreak101: Whoo, okay you're the last one to thank. I agree with all your ranting about Yami, the heart of the cards thing is getting REAL old as far as I'm concerned. And what's up with him caring so much about Joey, most of the time Joey doesn't even know Yami EXISTS. Hello Pharaoh, get a clue! Sorry you got me started now. Anyway, yeah, I'm glad you found Bakura's fear/hatred of carrots funny :) Yes everyone I think it's secretly a FEAR he has of carrots! Dun dun…

Anyway those were my thankyou's and I'm SO SORRY if I missed anyone, and here's a thankyou for you: THANKYOU. There we go. Anyway I want to post just these thankyouses but last time I posted something that had nothing to do with the story it got ripped down, which is a crying shame in my opinion, so I thought I'd write about how Bakura passes the journal onto Yami (Yami's actual entry is a Work In Progress)…

CHAPTER FOUR kinda

Bakura stomped down the street angrily, scowling at anything and everything. People were walking on the other side of the road to avoid him, dogs were howling and cats were hissing.

"Nyaw shut up before I set Marik on you," he snapped. The cats ran. Don't ask why, even Bakura knew he couldn't talk to cats. Maybe they were scared of the knife in his right hand?

…

Nope, Bakura knew they were scared of the friendship journal in his left hand. The horrible, royal blue journal his hikari was making him take to Yugi at the Kame Game shop.

Still, good things could happen in the midst of bad things, and Bakura knew this because he was an optimist.

…

No not really, he was actually an evil SOB who knew when he had the chance to freak out the Pharaoh and his hikari and he always took that chance.

The Kame Game shop was just a few doors down. Bakura tightened his grip on the journal and held the knife close, and strutted on in.

Yami was at the counter. Normally Bakura would laugh himself stupid at the boy who had started out as his Pharaoh and ended up as the guy who sold games to little tackers. But he didn't laugh today. Today he smiled sweetly.

This was a scary look. Bakura looked a lot like Ryou, but he sure as hell couldn't smile like him.

Yami looked up and jumped when he saw the Tomb Robber coming towards him, smiling strangely. "What are you doing in here thief? Come to steal TOYS?" he asked apprehensively.

Bakura smiled wider, but all he succeeded in doing was baring his fangs and scaring away the only other customer in the shop.

"No no Pharaoh," he cooed. He could imitate Ryou's voice quite well, so he took advantage of that. "I came to give you something."

"I don't want it."

"Yes you do. It's from Ryou, he's making me do his dirty work." Bakura was still talking sweetly, and placed the journal on the counter. "Have you heard about this? It's his friendship journal. It's already done the rounds at our house. Now it's your turn."

"Huh," Yami said boredly. "YOU wrote in this, thief? You can't write."

"Yes I can!" Bakura snapped, then cleared his throat. "Anyway…" He put back on his fake voice. "It's all yours, and Yugi's. Until you're done with it, then you go give it to one of your other dumbarse friends."

Yami rolled his eyes. "Alright alright, we'll do it for Ryou's sake. He's always trying to turn you FERAL Yami's into his friend."

Bakura resisted the urge to poke Yami in the eye with his knife (which was hidden behind his back). "Maybe he'll succeed this time," he said in his sweet voice.

Yami's was starting to get a bit freaked out by Bakura's tone, so he decided to take the journal and go. "Whatever, thief. Go home." He put his hand on the journal and pulled it towards himself.

"PSYCHE!" Bakura yelled, whipping the knife out and plunging it into the cover of the friendship journal, right in between Yami's fingers.

Yami's eyes glazed over and he fainted dead away.

"Heheheheh, I rule," Bakura smirked, looking down at his ex-pharaoh. "Oooooh, the Millenium Puzzle, that looks tempt – "

"What on earth happened here!" Yugi's grandfather demanded, coming out of the back room and seeing Yami on the floor.

"Nothing," Bakura shrugged. "See ya gramps." He strutted out of the shop happily.

TBC...


	5. Yami's Entry

The Friendship Journal Chapter 5

Alright, so… this is Ryou's friendship journal. How fascinating.

…

Notice I did not start this entry by addressing the journal in any way. _I _realize it is an inanimate object, unlike a certain THIEF. He has serious reality problems. Example; he finds it amusing to try to stab people's fingers.

…

Yes I speak from experience. Now, people will hear some _crazy _rumours that I _fainted _when Bakura tried to cut my fingers off, but this is a total lie. I was merely practicing "stop, drop and roll" because I am _concerned _for my _safety _after Marik set my shirt on fire just recently.

Still, third degree burns are easier to treat than severed fingers. Really, what kind of spirit takes _knives _into a _toy shop_? Not I. _I _happen to have a very good understanding of modern laws. _I _have only been to these modern jails twice. Bakura has been there at least… a lot. Still, what did I expect from the spirit of a 5,000 year-old thief? He is not so well-bred and educated as some. Personally I don't even think he can write. I'm sure he just dictated to Ryou and he wrote the entry for him. Point a carrot at either one of them and they're putty in your hands, it's not _difficult _to bend one of them to your will.

Speaking of which, I wonder if Bakura _has _ever sodomised Ryou with a carrot? He seems the type – a poof I mean, not a serial carrot rapist. Though he could be one of those too. It would explain why Marik walks funny, Ra knows what Bakura has done to _him_. Not that I care.

…

All this talk is making _me _fear carrots. They are quite terrifying. Never trust a pointy fruit.

…

That's a double entendre. Think about it.

Ah, Yugi just walked in, perhaps he would like to write something.

…

No, he wishes to be last so he can read everyone else's entry. Which is quite a good idea. Although I feel I should tell him there might not _be _a journal once Marik gets his dirty mitts on it.

…

I can't tell Yugi, he's watching the Osbournes. He doesn't seem the type to enjoy the show, but what do you know? Maybe he has a crush on Kelly… or Sharon.

…

Ew.

…

Bakura kind of reminds me of Ozzy Osbourne. Old, bad sense of humour, bites the head off things…

Yugi has been reading over my shoulder. He claims I have an unhealthy obsession with Bakura. Well I think Yugi has an unhealthy obsession with Tea.

…

Yugi is going off. The Osbournes certainly have taught my hikari some colourful language.

Still, how dare he imply that I do nothing but talk about Bakura! There are at least two sentences in here dedicated to Yugi or Marik! Hmph. I do _not _have an obsession with Bakura. It's just that he has several faults I would like to point out, the main one being that he is INSANE.

But enough. I can stop talking about Bakura any time I like, and I choose to stop _now_. I will talk about something far more fascinating:

Me.

_I _am not insane like a certain thief we all know. _I _do not try to cut people's fingers off and whatnot.

Granted I've done quite… _nasty _things in my time, but nothing like Bakura. He is quite despicable.

…

Although it _was _something of a turn-on. Watching Bkura drag my father's mummified body through the streets of Ancient Egypt.

…

Oh my Ra I did not just say that. This obsession is getting to me. I must hand over this journal ASAP!

Pharaoh Atemu

* * *

Well sorry the update took so long but here it is! Hooray! And Yami's little rant at the end there is all part of a grand plan… Heehee…. R&R! 


	6. Giving Away The Journal Again

Passing On The Journal Again

**Just a shout-out to all my reviewers and readers, thanks so much for reviewing and reading! THANKYOU! Hope you enjoy this!**

* * *

Yami strode down the street as fast as his Ancient Egyptian leg would allow – which was fairly fast, surprisingly.

He was depressed, and he looked it, frowning and the like. His big, sad puppy-dog eyes made old ladies stop to pet his hair and make him feel better.

Yami bit at them, so they stopped after a while.

The Pharaoh was acting this way because he was concerned about his journal entry. He tried to put some white-out on his love confession, but Marik showed up and the Game Shop and Yugi gave him the white-out to sniff and sent him on his way.

So Yami was taking the journal to Joey to write in, hoping he wouldn't read it (actually he didn't think Joey _could _read, thus the reason he was giving it to him).

Joey's apartment complex was just up ahead. Yami ran across the freeway (causing some pile-ups but leaving him relatively unharmed) and shoved some people out of his way so he could have the elevator to himself. There was some unpleasant swearing and gunfire, but Yami was again unharmed, except for a bullet lodged in his hair.

The elevator was slow on its way up to Joey's apartment on the third floor. Yami shifted his weight from one foot to another, over and over again. The people who watch security tapes thought he was some Russian terrorist doing a Russian dance and sent some security guards out to deal with him.

Meanwhile, Yami had made it to Joey's front door. Joey himself answered it. "'Ey Yami, what's up?"

Yami gaped at him. "Excuse me? Are you suggesting I am "up" because of Bakura! Possibly because he is a turn on? How dare you – "

Joey gaped now. "Uh, nooooo… I meant, what's happening?"

"Ah." Yami cleared his throat. _I must be more careful_, he thought. "Not much is happening, Joseph. I am merely bringing you Ryou's friendship journal." He held the book out.

"Oh gee, tanks pal, I'll write in it soon. Have you?"

"Yes, but you are forbidden to read it, it holds words beyond your understanding and your brain would MELT should you attempt to read it, mortal fool!" Yami warned mystically.

"Dude, you sound like Bakura," Joey informed him.

"I DO NOT LIKE BAKURA!" Yami turned and ran.

Joey frowned and scratched his head as some security guards appeared.

"Hey Joey, where'd that Russian guy go?"

* * *


	7. Joey's Entry

**Okay, just so you know, this chapter might not be very long because I'm running on empty, meaning it's 1:30pm on a Thursday afternoon and I haven't got much inspiration. Plus I'm rewriting my old Seto's Secretary story as a quiz on Quizilla (if you want to see it my name on Quizilla is YugiohHo), trying to write the last chapter on my Naked Kaiba story (yes I'm still thinking about that old story), starting a new romance/comedy about Marik, and toying with a new idea about something else (toying with it meaning I know what to write but I'm not sure if I should post it because it's angsty and 1. I have never written an angst story before and 2. I don't look forward to flames). But anyway! Here goes:**

* * *

Hey everyone, it's me, Joey Wheeler! So this is Ryou's GRAPE friendship journal. Dunno what I should YOGHURT write about exactly, but Bakura BANANA wrote about his day, so maybe I will too DONUT. 

Well, today CHOCOLATE Yami came by and gave me this journal. The security guards BEEF thought he was Russian. Coz like I'm thinking that in Russia they wear hats that look like Yami's hair. Happens to me all the other time. Just the other day some MUESLI BAR lady thought I had a birds nest on my head. I said "lady, dat's my hair."

She was HONEY a happy lady I reckon, coz after I said that she laughed all day. It's cool that MUSHROOM I make people happy, isn't it?

Except Kaiba. That jerk's never happy. And I can PRUNE insult him all I like I know he won't read this. Kaiba's _fat_! And ALMOND mean to me. Boy I'd like to take him out.

…

As in punch him out, not like date him. He's not PASTA my type.

…

He's too fat:D

CORNONTHECOBCORNONTHECOBCORNONTHECOBCORNONTHECOB –

I think I'm hungry. BBQ.

I mean, BRB.

…

Okay I'm back – OH CRAP I dropped my hotdog on the page! There's ketchup everywhere! I'll write around it.

Hey, I just remembered, I have to read everyone's journal entries!

…

Oh that's boring, I'll just read Yami's.

…

Oooooooooooo-kay, that was just weird. Yami is one messed-up dude. His creepinessmade me drop my hotdog behind the couch. It's all dusty now, but who gives, I'm hungry.

Okay the ketchup is gone now. Phew. Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, Yami. Yeah, getting off on creepy albinos torturing your fathers mummified corpse just isn't normal. There's a word for it.

…

Well don't look at me, I don't know the stupid word! It begins with an A, or a B, or a C, or a D, or an E, or an F, or a G, or an H, or an I, or a J, or a K, or an L, or an M, or an N, or a P, or a Q, or an R, or an S, or a T, or an U, or a V, or a W, or an X, or a Y, or a Z.

Yeah it starts with one of those letters.

Hey Serenity just walked in. I'll write out conversation down for you.  
Me: 'Ey sis.  
Serenity: Hi Joey! reads what I wrote about fat Kaiba Joey, that isn't very nice. Or true, Kaiba's really very skinny. And attractive…  
Me: WHAT? Serenity! Your taste in guys has totally gone down ever since you found out Duke and Tristan were gay!  
Serenity: THEY'RE GAY?

Oops…

* * *

**I hope it was alright! R&R!**


	8. Giving Away The Journal Once Again

**Well here it is, ANOTHER update! Yay! My sister keeps going out and I have no one to talk to so I end up writing chapters then listening to music. She's going to a sleepover tomorrow so fingers crossed for a MASS UPLOAD!**

* * *

Joey Wheeler was all alone, standing in an elevator. He was heading up to Kaiba's office in Kaiba Corp to give him the friendship journal.

Joey tried to make Serenity give Kaiba the journal, but she just muttered about homosexuality and ate a carrot.

Joey sighed and tapped his foot. He looked around. He was only on the 22nd floor. Kaiba's office was right at the top – the 327th and a half floor.

'How da hell do ya get half a floor?' Joey wondered. 'Stupid fat Kaiba, always making tings difficult.'

"I know why da elevator's so slow though!" he said aloud, hoping there were security cameras. "Coz by da time da stupid elevator actually reaches da top floor, everyone ridin' it would be dead from old age and Kaiba won't have ta waste his time talkin' to dem."

No answer.

"Well da joke's on you coz I'm immortal!"

"No you're not," said a voice.

"AAAAH!"

* * *

Eventually, Joey stepped out of the demon elevator. After checking himself for wrinkles – double-checking his manhood – he decided he had not aged significantly and continued on into Kaiba's office.

"'Ey dere Kaiba!" he said, trying to be friendly for once.

"What do you want, mutt?" Kaiba replied, not looking up from his work.

"What, no "hello" for Joey?"

"No." Kaiba still didn't look up.

"'Ey, when I'm talkin' it's polite ta look up ta me," Joey said irritably.

"I don't look up to you, Wheeler."

"Look down at me den," Joey snapped.

Kaiba smirked. Joey glared.

"Stop playin' mind games wit' me, ya fat jerk!" Joey yelled.

"I'm not fat," Kaiba glared, taking a bite of a cream-filled chocolate donut. "Ask your sister," he added, smirking.

"You stay away from my sister!"

"Oh I'll stay away from her. But I can't guarantee she'll stay away from me…"

Joey raised an eyebrow. "Have you been watching 10 Things I Hate About You again?"

Kaiba was silent.

"Anyway, I bought ya dat ting Ryou was harpin' on about last week, his friendship journal," Joey continued, holding it out.

"Friendship journal?" Kaiba took it. "So THAT's what he was saying!"

"Huh? Whaddya mean?"

"I couldn't understand his stupid accent, I thought he said "something 'anal'"…" Kaiba pulled a face. "Anyway, forget it. Get lost mutt, you've got a long elevator journey home and I bet you're getting hungry."

"As a matter of fact I AM!" Joey snapped and stalked out.

* * *

**Well that chapter wasn't AS crazy but the next one will be I hope! Please R&R! And a big thank you to everyone who's reviewed so far!**

**THANKYOU!**


	9. The Kaiba Brothers' Entry

**Well I know I promised a mass upload over the weekend, but my sister didn't end up going away but I did, and there was storms, and my Internet crashed, and I'm organizing my late birthday party (I'm going to a Comedy Festival, YAY!) so yeah. But here is another chappie! Kaiba doesn't write very much at all and I'm really sorry about that, but the whole chapter is ABOUT what he does!**

* * *

This is shit.

Signed, Seto Kaiba, CEO of Kaiba Corporations.

* * *

Hi everyone, Mokuba here! I found this journal in Seto's rubbish bin, so I took it. He didn't write much. But he DID swear. He's been doing that a lot lately. Just the other day he got really mad and threw his laptop out the window.

He regretted that.

He watched his laptop fall 327 and a half floors and swore the whole time. Only he ran out of swear words halfway down and repeated the first ones twice as loud.

The laptop never made it to the ground though. It hit Marik Ishtar on the head. He was bleeding a fair bit, but that didn't stop him stealing Seto's laptop. And that made Seto start swearing again.

But don't let that fool you. My big brother's really very nice. I'll write about his day so you can see what kind of person he really is.

* * *

12:00pm Lunchtime

Seto has a business lunch to go to. He leaves his office and tells his secretary where he's going, then heads for the elevator. He doesn't realize I'm writing about his every move.

There's a guy in the elevator already. Seto steps in and sees him.

Seto: What the swearword are YOU doing in here?

Then the elevator doors shut.

I'm going to go over and see if I can hear Seto's conversation.

…

All I can hear is them talking, but I can't make out the words. Then there is the sound of a "thump" as someone's body gets pushed against the wall. There's more body-thumping in between grunts and groans from Seto and the mystery man.

The elevator is going up and down randomly, like someone is playing with the buttons or pressing them without realizing.

Finally there is a really loud "thump" and a groan, and the elevator goes down to the bottom floor.

What on Earth…?

* * *

12:30pm STILL LUNCHTIME

I've followed Seto down the street. He's talking to the guy he's going to have lunch with.

The guy is short. He's wearing tight pants and a pink silk shirt open at the front. He flaps his hands around all limp-wristed when he talks. Shirt-lifter.

He shows Seto into a bar. It's painted pink and yellow and it has two intertwined "male" symbols on the door…

* * *

12:50pm BACK TO WORK TIME

I've been sitting outside this gay bar for ages.

…

Here comes Seto now! He's hurrying out of the bar. His hair is all messed-up and his jacket's hanging off. All these men are trying to drag him back inside but Seto says he has to get back to work.

I think one of the gay men was Yami…

* * *

1:00pm BACK IN THE OFFICE

Seto told his secretary he wants some lunch and went into his office. The secretary sent someone out to get some food just a few minutes ago.

Now someone comes out of the elevator and goes into Seto's office. He closes the door behind him.

…

Suddenly Seto yells "you idiot, you almost choked me with that _footlong_!" and the guy leaves again, smiling. Creepy…

* * *

1:10pm STILL IN THE OFFICE

Seto has just walked into my office! I'll write down our conversation.

Seto: Mokuba, I'm jutht – where did you get that book?

Me: It's Ryou's friendship journal, it was in your bin.

Seto: Thtupid Ryou'th thtupid friendthip journal. Anyway Mokie, I'm jutht ducking out thomewhere.

Me: Okay… Seto, why do you have a lisp all of a sudden?

Seto: leaves

Well that wath different :D

* * *

1:30pm DUCKING OUT SOMEWHERE

I've followed Seto to see where he was "ducking out" to. And we've ended up somewhere very homosexual.

The ballet academy.

…

Maybe Seto's going next door, to the adult superstore, to buy some nice straight porn –

No. He went into the ballet academy and headed for the changerooms.

…

Well, at least we know what kind of man my brother is now… :S

I think I'll put this journal back on his desk. So long!

Love, Mokie.

* * *

**I'm sorry all the Seto fangirls! I promise I'm going somewhere with this! Also, a big shoutout to all my lovely reviewers.**

**THANKYOU!**


	10. Let's Give Away The Journal AGAIN

**I forgot to mention this last chapter – I wanna say thanks to my sister for her help in writing the Kaiba chapter. She told me some gay things he could do and I used two of her ideas. So thanks Claire aka The Long Name Ending In Cookie! And another shout-out to all my reviewers, none of which are angry about Seto's Gay Day YET!**

**THANKYOU!**

* * *

Seto Kaiba had just returned from the ballet academy. He had noticed that the man from before was not in the elevator. 

He wandered past his secretary's station – she wasn't in – and continued on into his office.

Kaiba sat down and noticed that on his desk there was a blue journal with a huge gash in it caused by a knife – Ryou's friendship journal.

"Oh geez," he sighed. "Mokuba must have put this back here… Ew, that's been in my bin." He pulled a face but decided to read what his little brother had written…

Dum dumm dummm…!

Kaiba flipped open the journal and started turning pages.

But before he could get to Mokuba's entry, he was interrupted by a distant brumming, like an engine.

Kaiba got up and looked out of the window down onto the street below. He saw cars, trucks, kids in shopping carts, grannies on motorized scooters, and Tristan on his stoogemobile (A/N: does anyone watch Fat Pizza?)

Seto looked up to the sky. He saw sparrows, pigeons, a pelican, and someone stealing his blimp, but nothing that could be making the engine noise.

Seto threw a paperweight at his blimp and popped it, then went back to his desk.

The throbbing engine noise got louder, then was temporarily drowned out by the explosion as the blimp hit the ground, then returned twice as loud.

Kaiba ignored the engine noise and picked up the phone. He dialed a number.

"Hello, Acme Blimp Co? I need another blimp… I popped my other one… what are you implying? I am a respected member of this community and – as a matter of fact I DO like carrots… no – "

BANG!

Kaiba's ranting was cut short as his office door was thrown open and the source of the annoying noise became clear.

Marik Ishtar had come into Kaiba's office atop his hikari's motorbike.

He did a skid stop in front of Kaiba's desk. Kaiba ignored him and continued his conversation. "Don't worry about that, some pyromaniac just came in… no I didn't invite him, he broke in! What? … He's on a motorbike, DUH!" Kaiba hung up.

"Hello Kaiba," Marik smirked.

"Marik you idiot, you put a burnout mark on my lovely cream carpet!"

"Don't be stupid Kaiba, your carpet's yellow."

"MY CARPET IS CREAM!"

Marik blinked. "Okay. Anyway rich-guy, you owe me 250 big ones for extensive damage to my beautiful and perfect face." Marik had a bandage wrapped around his head where the laptop had hit him. "Plus you can give me a 20 dollar tip so I can buy lunch and a new cigarette lighter." He grinned maniacally.

"You don't smoke."

Marik just grinned wider and poked out his tongue.

Kaiba rolled his eyes. "I'll give you 25 cents and this journal if you go away."

"Deal!"

Kaiba handed over the journal and 25 cents and Marik jumped on his bike. "By the way, someone popped your blimp."

* * *

**THANKS AGAIN TO MY REVIEWERS! I'm sorry, this chapter wasn't as funny but I didn't want to talk about Kaiba's Gay Day too much in it so I just made up some stuff on the spot. Next to write – the Ishtar's!**


	11. Marik's Entry

**My my my my my it's been a while. My excuse?**

**OH. MY. GOD school is bitch!**

**Yeah, that IS an excuse. Over the holidays I got to write heaps but as soon as I got back to school they decided second term of Year 9 is a good time to give you so much work you can't do ANYTHING but homework EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! It is sooooooo horrible! So I keep sitting down with my little green book to write a draft of Marik's entry but school has drained me and I am soooo out of inspiration right now! I just had to write this chapter because I hate leaving a story to lie (and trust me I do it a lot), plus I've made friends with Her Sweetness and her fave character is Marik (like me) so I knew I had to get his chappie out soon for her. So here I am, trying. A big thank you to all my reviewers as usual: THANKS SO MUCH! And I just realized I never put a disclaimer in here so:**

**Disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh or anything else that's already owned in this that I talk about.**

* * *

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Oh no matter how many times I write that it doesn't get old. I am just so…. I have this wonderful feeling in my chest. I have to ask Malik what it is.

…

He said it was my heartbeat. NO YOU FOOL, the EMOTIONAL feeling!

Oh.

He said it's happiness.

That's different. I am happy. _I_, Marik Ishtar, am _happy_. Why? Oh, wouldn't _you _like to know…

This journal… it's perfect… it's the most perfect thing I have ever seen. The most perfectly wonderful thing. The most perfectly wonderfully POWERFULLY blue thing I ever set eyes on.

Kaiba thought his Obelisk was good? Pah! That thing is a blueberry compared to this… this journal! I am in raptures! These pages – these wonderful, _written-on _pages! They're the key…… oh yes….. Flick through and feel the power –

WTF! WTF is this?

Bakura.

Bakura, my friend Bakura, how could he? That leather pants story was _confidential_! I told him that in utter _confidential_-ness!

It's not funny. I can still feel that leather scarping against my XXXX.

…

Malik scribbled on my page. He said "that term is not politically correct anymore Marik and if you write it you'll get put in _jail_."

What is he on? All I wrote was XXX –

Ow, okay. Okay. I won't write it. I have better things to talk about anyway. The Gods are wrathful. It's all Bakura's fault. I DON'T TORCH CATS! I was giving them respectful, pain-free passages into the afterlife by burning their mortal bodies.

I love kitties.

…

Oh Ra. That was soppy. I can hear those fools laughing now. LAUGH AWAY, MORTALS! I SHALL LAIGH WITH YOU!

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

You see! Are you wondering why I am laughing? Are you wondering why I am so thrilled by this journal?

It is simple.

Every one of you fools has written in this journal – even Kaiba – and using your unique handwriting _I _Marik Ishtar shall curse you all!

Mwahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Oh I am not afraid to tell you this. By the time you discover my plan, you will all be cursed to death, or at least have unfortunate growths all over your body.

I'll need a test run, with a test subject.

And what a coincidence… Joey Wheeler caught my fancy…

Mr Wheeler, from this day on the _only _clothing that will fit you is…

Purple leather. This happens to be one of my favourite curses. Excuse me while I chant.

…

There, finished. I can hear his screams of horror now…

I love being me.

TBC

* * *

**Well finally, that chapter's out! Hope you liked it! Marik's a bit, um... eloquent and no one else is. But y'know, that's the way the cookie crumbles. Marik's story will sort of continue in the next chappie, which Malik will write in (hopefully. I can't remember what I planned but LUCKILY I wrote it down somewhere). And no, Ishizu/Isis won't write in this. No female characters will. I don't like them and I'm not too good at writing from their POV. PLEASE R&R!**


	12. Malik's Entry

**My updates are really taking ages to um… be updated these days. I just haven't been able to get on my computer as much, and I'm still at stupid school and yaddah yaddah. Anyway last night I went and saw my favourite comedian Wil Anderson (he's so hot) with some friends and you know, it was funny so it got me into being funny so I came home a few days later and wrote this. Anyway. Yeah. Quick disclaimer: I don't own YuGiOh or Little Britain.**

* * *

"Marik?" Malik called, walking into his lounge. His yami was on the couch. "Whatcha doing Marik?" 

Marik smiled as best he could at his hikari. "I am expressing myself without using physical violence, mental abuse or emotional blackmail, aibou."

"That's a first," Malik muttered. "How _are _you expressing yourself then?"

Marik tapped the side of his nose and said nothing, so Malik looked over his shoulder. "Marik! You're cursing people again! You spiky-haired weirdo."

"_I _prefer the terminology "Pantene Hair Care Professional,"" Marik said huffily.

"Oh please, you had your own personal hair-care hotline for a month." Malik rolled his eyes.

"Ahem. Two months," Marik corrected. "And it's _still _running." He hit the answering machine button on their phone.

"You have… 128 new messages…" said the voice recording. "Last message received… today at… 11:31am…"

"Shampoo genie!" screamed a strangers' voice. "Please help, I've set my golden locks on FIRE!"

"Hmm," Marik said, checking his watch. "He'll be dead by now. "Shame I missed it."

Malik snorted. "I can't believe you called yourself "the shampoo genie"…"

"Shut up," Marik snapped, whacking Malik with the journal.

"Gimme that," Malik replied, snatching away the journal. "Stop causing trouble." He stalked off and Marik glared.

* * *

Dear friendship journal, 

There. I thought I should start this properly, with the whole "dear journal" thing.

Anyway, the point is, why is Marik writing in _pink_? He is such a freak. He's been a bit wrong in the head ever since the time he kept hitting himself in the forehead with the Millennium Rod, insisting he could retreat into a soul room just like Yami and Bakura can.

He can't, of course.

Anyway, ever since then he's been a bit stupid. Must have been something he ate that day. I never knew salmonella could give you brain damage!

_I'll _never get brain damage, because _I _don't eat meat, because _I'm _a vegetarian. And not just any vegetarian – I'm the kind that doesn't eat colourful vegetables, only green vegetables. And only the green vegetables that are good for my hair. And soybeans. They're an exception.

My doctor says if I keep this up I'll be dead at 25. So what, the average life expectancy for a man is 75, so I'll only die 10 years before everyone else.

…

5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 70, 75, 80…

Yeah. So Marik will live 10 years longer than me, big deal. I'm just glad he _will _die. He's such a jerk. He calls me a vegelesbian.

Speaking of diets… I'm getting dizzy again… this pen is really heavy… I need some soybeans. Marik? Marik, I need soybeans!

* * *

"Marik, I need soybeans!" 

Marik sighed, grabbed a tin of soybeans, and went to see his hikari in the lounge. "Why don't you just eat some meat? Bakura has some nice steaks at his place."

"No, Marik." Malik started stuffing soybeans into his mouth with a spork. He always kept a spork in his pocket – it's dead handy and less painful than a fork if it jabs you.

"Vegelesbian," Marik muttered.

"Shut up!" Malik jabbed his yami with the spork.

"Ow, bitch!" Marik threw the journal at Malik. It bounced off his shoulder and landed open on the ground. Malik ignored it and went to make himself a protein shake.

Bored, Marik considered going outside and torching some cats, then remembered that somehow the government had put a restraining order on him. He had to stay 10 yards away from any cat.

Naturally Marik was now working on a catapult that could launch flaming rocks at cats from 10 yards away. (Obviously it wouldn't be a success – you can't light rocks on fire).

But right now he decided to read Malik's journal entry to amuse himself.

'What the?' Marik thought. 'He called me stupid! And brain-damaged! How dare he? I'll teach that little brat a lesson…'

Marik traced the letters on Malik's page with one finger and sung in a low voice:

"Almighty Ra, hear my wish,  
I only want you to grant me this,  
Make my hikari as bald as can be,  
That'll teach him not to diss me!"

There was a small flash and some humming, then silence. Marik knew he had to rid himself of the journal before Malik realized he'd been making curses again.

"Malik, I'm going out!" he yelled, grabbing the journal and heading for the door. Malik replied with a protein-shake-filled grunt.

'Enjoy having hair with that shake, hikari…' Marik thought to himself. 'For soon it will all fall out!'

* * *

**Note: The rhyme was MEANT to be lame. That was the joke.**

**Well I hope this chapter was worth the wait! This story is ALMOST COMPLETE! Please R&R!**


	13. Tristan's Kinda Short Entry

**Well here's another update. The chapter's are starting to actually have a plot and a point. Things may seem OOC and weird now, but EVERYTHING gets explained in the last chapter! EV-ERY-THING.**

**This chapter is dedicated to my sister, the chase-shipper. (That word has given away the plot to a few people now, hasn't it?)**

* * *

Marik hurried out of his house, clutching the friendship journal in his hand.

He stopped by his (obese) neighbours' letterbox and peeked in. She had received more brochures from Weight Watchers. Marik took out the brochure and a black texta, and wrote things like "it's not working, lard legs" and "give up, fatty" on them, then replaced the brochures in the letterbox.

It was the little things that showed he cared enough not to care.

Marik then continued on his way. His destination? The secret hiding place for his catapult. He was going to light the journal on fire and launch it at cats.

On his way, however, he heard a sound. Brumming, like Malik's motorbike.

"Oh no, he caught me!" Marik groaned, turning to the noise. "I'm sorry hikari, I didn't realize the curse would make your hair – what the?"

It _was _a motorbike approaching, but it wasn't Malik's. No, this one was a different shape. Marik knew the shape of his hikari's motorbike very well ever since the day he and Bakura had tried to paint it blood red (literally, _blood _red), and Malik caught them and made them lick the bike clean.

Bakura had jumped at the chance.

But, as _this _bike got closer, Marik saw – and recognized – the rider.

Tristan Taylor.

Marik was torn – hurl the journal at cats, or Tristan? Cats or Tristan? Tristan or cats?

As Marik thought desperately, Tristan got closer. He wasn't wearing a helmet. Marik couldn't resist.

_WHACK!_

Something hard and papery hit Tristan in the temple and he lost his balance. Swerving to avoid an oncoming truck, he drove up onto the footpath, hit an old lady and fell over.

After regaining consciousness, Tristan checked the damage. He was okay. The bike was fine. The old lady… er…

Her time was about up anyway.

Picking up his bike, Tristan wheeled it over to see what had hit him. He picked something up. It was royal blue, battered, tatty, stabbed, run over…

"This must be Ryou's friendship journal," he deduced, and pocketed it. Then, climbing back on his bike, he headed home.

* * *

Yo journal,

Hey there, it's Tristan. Kinda cool that I've finally got my hands on you. Now I'm like, classy. I can write about my thoughts and stuff.

But I have to do it organizedly. Ahem.

Thoughts- 

Food is good. Y'know. And carrots are pointy.

That about sums it up… Oh, and I love my motorbike.

…

And Duke.

…

Shit, I wrote it. Now it's official and I'll have to buy him Valentine's Day presents and stuff. I don't wanna. What do you buy a 17-year-old gay guy who has lots of money?

…

I could buy him his very own street bum!

Aw, but then I'd have to attach a love note to him and say "I love you Duke."

I hate having to say "I love you" to Duke. This is why motorbikes are better. You don't have to tell them you love them.

…

But then they don't say "I love _you _Tristan." Unless you're on drugs. But I'm not, so my motorbike doesn't talk, so it doesn't love me, so Duke is better than a motorbike.

…

Wow, that was deep. Deep like Joey's stomach. Phew, that guy can pack it in!

Anyway, point is.

I love Duke.

Tristan

* * *

Well yeah, all this is for my sister. I don't support Duke/Tristan too much.

**She pointed something out to me too. Marik's catapult. For cats. Get it? CATapult? Yeah I know, I bet you all figured it out before me. I never meant that pun!**


	14. Giving Away Le Journal de Friendship

**Hey everyone, I'm back! You probably thought I was dead or something, didn't ya :D Well I might be after today. I have to go have a stupid blood test. It's not that I hate blood or anything, it's just they have to take at least a syringe full out of me, and I said "what! You don't need that much!"**

**Anyway, in more important news, I HAVE CHANGED MY NAME. My pen name I mean. It's now heidiGCGD as you can tell, not heidi of the woodland rea. Now that you now… on with the story!**

* * *

Once Tristan was finished "being classy," he decided to bring the journal to his beloved Duke so he could read Tristan's beautiful love notes and thank him _in the flesh_. Physically. _Thank _his brains out… heheh…

Tristan gave the journal a once-over, however, and decided it just wouldn't do. The royal blue cover was starting to fade. The pages were crackly and fragile, as if they'd been dunked in water. The whole thing smelt like a toilet.

… No, Tristan did _not _put two and two together.

It had also been stabbed clean through the middle, had food and bin juice stains on it, and had been run over. Definitely not a gift fit for a boyfriend. Unless that boyfriend lived in the gutter.

However, Tristan knew how to fix all that. He picked up an un-opened letter from Serenity and peeled a large love heart sticker off the front. He licked the back of it and slapped it over the gash in the cover.

"Perfect," Tristan muttered. "Mum, I'm going out!"

"Goodbye poodle!" his mother called. "Don't forget to look both ways before crossing the street!"

Tristan groaned. "Mum, my name is Tristan. And I'm not _going _to cross the street, I'm riding my motorbike."

"Oh no you don't, that's too dangerous. Take the bus."

"Aw mum – "

"_No_, Tristan. Where are you going anyway?"

"To see Duke."

"Oh how sweet! Be sure to bring that girlfriend of yours a present."

"I _am _bringing her a present. Him. Bringing _him _a present. Duke is a boy!"

"A _boy_!" Tristan's mother gasped. "Young man we need to have a serious talk about your – "

Tristan ignored her and walked out the door. He and his mother had the same conversation every time he left the house. Even if he didn't have a gift. Even if he wasn't going to see _Duke_. Even if he wasn't leaving the house!

She just hadn't been the same since Tristan had let Marik perform brain surgery on her. Marik of course shirked the blame, claiming that if she hadn't been flailing her arms around and screaming, he wouldn't have cut her lobes.

Tristan _had _suggested Marik use an anesthetic, but Marik explained that, being a member of the FBI, he _knew _how to perform brain surgery.

Tristan grimaced, remembering all the blood his brain damaged mother had to clean up once Marik had grown bored of her brain, set their cat on fire and gone home.

Poor Mr Fluffikins.

But Tristan brightened up when he saw Duke's store up ahead, and sped up, doing a skid stop out the front and running inside with the journal in hand.

Duke was leaning on the counter, looked bored and twirling his hair. He brightened significantly when Tristan ran in. "Oh my god! Hi Tristan!" he squealed girlishly.

"Hi Duke," Tristan grinned, walking over to him. "What are you doing?"

"I want to listen to my CD's, but my Discman batteries are flat," Duke pouted. "Heeeey, _you're _butch! Can you climb the ladder and take the batteries out of my smoke alarm so I can put them in my Discman?"

"Um… isn't that dangerous?"

"You're right, I should definitely invest in an iPod."

"…"

"But until then, can you please get the batteries for me? _Please_?" Duke gave his boyfriend puppy eyes.

"Sure Dukey-poo," Tristan grinned, going and retrieving the ladder. He set it up under the smoke alarm and Duke handed him a hammer.

"It's the only tool I own," he apologized, smiling.

"Ah it's fine babe," Tristan grinned, climbing up the ladder, hammer in hand, and examined the smoke detector while Duke examined his nails.

What Tristan really needed was a screwdriver. "Hey Duke, can I have a screwdriver?"

Duke whacked him. "Screw later, I want my batteries."

Tristan took that as a no and, aiming carefully, swung the hammer as hard as possible. Half of the detector shattered and fell away. Taking that as a good sign, he swung three more times before the batteries fell into his hand.

One was bent and the other was cracked and spewing battery acid, but Tristan handed them to Duke proudly anyway.

"Thanks poodle," Duke cooed, pushing them into his Discman. "Hm, they don't fit. Oh well – Tristan, can you put them back in the smoke detector?"

Tristan glanced at the smashed remains of the smoke detector. The remains still in the ceiling, anyway. A chunk of plaster fell down and shattered on the ground. "I bought you a present, Duke!" he said hurriedly, holding out the journal.

"Aw Tristan!" Duke squealed, taking the journal. "It has a love heart and everything!" He looked again, a little closer, and took in all the faults. "This is the cleanest thing to ever come out of your house."

Tristan averted his eyes and covered a food stain on his shirt. "Read it," he urged.

"Oh-kay!" Duke said happily, and flicked through the pages until he saw Tristan's handwriting and read to himself.

I hate having to say "I love you" to Duke. This is why motorbikes are better. You don't have to tell them you love them.

Duke pouted at Tristan, who was grinning moronically. "You bitch!" He slapped Tristan across the face and stormed out, slamming the door.

"What? Dukey-poo…" Tristan began, but a piece of plaster fell from the ceiling and he decided to leave before the whole shop collapsed.

* * *

**Well whaddya think? Was it worth the wait? Please review! Thanks everyone who has reviewed so far, this story has 101 reviews! That's the most I've ever gotten! Thankyou!**


	15. Duke's Entry

Well I'm back again. I took like five years to write the next chapter, AGAIN, but now it's here. Cheer!

Warning: There's mild swearing and sexual themes in this :D

* * *

Oh! Oh my God – oh my GAY God! Tristan. Tristan dumped _me_. How dare he! After all we've been through together! Who taught him that it was unhealthy to only clip your toenails every two years? Me! 

Who taught him the difference between prozac and ice cream before he unintentionally OD-ed? Me!

Who taught him Paris Hilton is a man-eating whore who's head is so far up her own arse she won't even marry a man unless he has the same name as her? Me!

Who told him Serenity had AIDS? Me! Okay, so it was a lie. But he's happier being a gay! Except for his occasional bouts of depression.

Who helped Marik join the FBI two weeks ago so Tristan didn't feel bad that he'd let that psycho give his mother brain damage? Me!

Who taught Tristan to duel? …Yami. But I watched for five minutes!

And who taught him that carrots could be used as a dangerous weapon? Bakura and ME!

I can't believe Tristan would _do _this! Okay, so he didn't actually say the word "dumped," but he _does _like that motorbike more than me!

That damn bike. I should have destroyed it that day I came over to give Tristan a chainsaw for his birthday and I say the bike just sitting in the driveway.

I miss Tristan so much! I wish _I _was a motorbike so Tristan would ride _me_…

But I digress. It's over and I must move on. Yes, move on… by becoming really butch, just like Tristan! I'll show _him _who's the dominant one! _I'll _be wearing the pants around here! (But only if they're brand-name leather).

Yes, I am going to smoke, drink, chew with my mouth open and stay up late watching porn!

…

Ah nuts to that, I'll just hit on Joey. He's quite butch if you think about it… messy hair, un-plucked eyebrows, watches monster movies, washes his car shirtless, eats chicken…

Ooh, I'm getting all hot under the collar now. It wouldn't be a problem if I dressed like Yugi, coz then I would just take my collar _off_.

Yugi… he's friends with me, Tea, Joey, Ryou and _Tristan_! Oh how I miss him! Our long days spent laughing together! Our long nights spent… sleeping…

Ahem… er… the way he used to use three bottles of hair gel and then try to head butt people and draw blood! The way he'd always try to make friends with Bakura and end up getting stabbed! The way he learnt to sew so he could sew up those wounds! The way he and Joey had burping contests!

…

Okay, so I don't miss the burping. Can you blame me? But still, so many other things I miss!

Like the way he smells. It's like honeycomb… mixed with grease… mixed with printer cartridge ink… a dash of cucumber… and gym socks. Delicious.

Ah Tristan, I love the way you stink! Will I ever find anyone so spankable as you? I – oh, hello, Jesse McCartney is on the television, is this some sort of sign?

No, he's butt-ugly. Get off the TV, ugly! Duke, you are beautiful… AND YOU ARE UGLY, JESSE!

Ah, he's gone. But reading over that last paragraph I have come to realize something:

I'm losing my mind.

Tristan dumping me has driven me crazy. I have to call Brittany, my spiritual advisor, to get my horoscope and find out if I'll get back together with Tristan before I go totally crazy and start wearing tartan shirts.

Well, I just hung up on Brittany. That bitch had the audacity to tell me that I am never going to get back with Tristan. Well, if she thinks I'm paying _her _her $15.50 per phone call, she's got another thing coming.

I can't believe this. My whole life has been ruined since I got this journal. If Ryou hadn't started it I would never have read that Tristan doesn't love me. I'm going now. I'm going to Ryou's house and I'm going to shove this journal up his non-homosexual arse sideways. Goodbye.

* * *

Well I hope this one was worth the wait too. I'm too lazy and clueless to make Yugi write an entry, so I think the next chapter will be the last! OH MY GOD! HOORAY! Anyway. 

Claire, dear sister, the "I wish I was a motorbike…" line was for you.  
Robyn, the "spankable" thing was for you. Sorry it wasn't about Malik :D


	16. The Final Chapter

**Well here I am. Only what, a week or something after my last update? And I am working on the final chapter of The Friendship Journal. I'm not even writing it by hand in my little green book first (like I did with all the other chapters). So I hope you enjoy, this is where everything comes together. Sorry Yugi fans, no entry from Yugi because I just can't get into his frame of mind. Anyway, let's duel!**

**Disclaimer: I rarely chuck these into my stories, but it's pretty obvious I don't own YuGiOh.**

**http/people.freenet.de/tiger.lady2/douji-mayonaka/MAYO19.jpg**

* * *

THE FRIENDSHIP JOURNAL  
Chapter 16: The Final Chapter

* * *

After having his strange, angry rant, Duke Devlin raised himself from his bed and headed out of his shop. Destination – Ryou's butt. And not for what you're thinking either. 

On the way he passed a motorbike. True, he realized it wasn't Tristan's, but that didn't stop Duke attacking it viciously the only way he knew how – with teeth, nails and bitch slaps. The bike was relatively unharmed when he was done, apart from a few drops of blood.

…

No, not the motorbikes blood, Duke's blood. _You _try scratching a metal bike and see if you don't break a nail or ten.

And so, sore, angry and unattractive due to his broken nails, Duke continued on his way to Ryou's house. On the way, however, he literally ran into a small, tri-coloured-hair-ed someone. Yugi.

"Ouch!" he cried, when Duke stood on his foot.

"Oh, I'm sorry Yugi, I didn't see you there," Duke apologized. "You really should try to be more tall."

"…"

"You know what they say, small man, small – "

"Um, Duke, where are you going?" Yugi interrupted quickly. The last thing he needed was more of Duke's… lectures.

"I'm going to see Ryou, I have something he needs shoved up his arse," Duke explained. Yugi's eyes bugged out of his head – more so than usual, anyway. "No, not like that Yugi, I meant this stupid book." He held out the journal.

"This? But it's Ryou's friendship journal! He told me it should be just about full now, can I see?" Yugi grabbed it and flipped it open. There were only three spare pages – well two really, Bakura had drawn some phallic symbols on the last one.

"Yeah it's full," Duke agreed, looking at Bakura's drawings with interest.

"Well great! Duke, do me a favour?" Yugi asked. "Go to Ryou's house and tell him to come to the Game Shop, and bring Bakura. I'll call everyone else. Once we're all there, I'll read the journal aloud to _everyone_. It'll be like one big bonding session!"

"Um… okay…" Personally Duke thought the journal fumes had gone to Yugi's head (the journal really did smell funny) and made him crazy, but he went along with it and headed to Ryou's house, without the journal.

* * *

The Bakura HouseHold 

_Knock knock knock knock knock knock knock_…

Someone was certainly enjoying pounding on Ryou's door. Said albino ran quickly to answer the door before Bakura got there and did to Duke what he did to the JoHo's three days earlier.

"Hallo Duke," he beamed, opening the door.

"Hello Ryou," Duke replied coolly. "I'm not here because I like you by the way."

Ryou blinked. "Er…"

"Good," Bakura interrupted, walking in. "You damn queer."

"BAKURA!" Ryou turned back to Duke. "So Duke, what _did _you want?"

"Yugi sent me to invite you guys over to his place because he's got the Friendship Journal and he wants to read it out to everyone."

Ryou squealed happily while Bakura gaped. "That piece of crap's still floating around, is it?"

"Bakura! It's not crap, it's wonderful! Now come on, we're going to go to Yugi's at once!"

"What-_ever_."

* * *

Despite Bakura's protests (not to mention the un-written fights Kaiba and Marik put up), everyone ended up in the Kame Game shop within the hour, except Joey. Yugi came in and got everyone seated – except Bakura and Marik, who were kept separate from everyone by their hikari's. 

"Well I guess you all know why you're here!" Yugi chirped happily, climbing onto the coffee table so he could be at eye level with everyone, with some difficulty as he was in stilettos.

"Um, hikari?" Yami said carefully. "Stilettos?"

"Yes. Don't act so surprised Yami, it's not weird, I just wear them to be taller. And they accentuate my calf muscles." Bakura and Marik fell on each other laughing, while Yami raised an eyebrow. Yugi cleared his throat. "Anyway, I'm going to start reading now. The first entry was written by Bakura…"

This announcement was enough to shut Bakura up. Yugi began to read.

"Dear journal… No, that sounds stupid. I hate that line, "dear journal," I must erase it!…"

Five minutes later Bakura stood pouting while everyone else laughed at his fear of carrots, and the garbage disposal unit. "Shut up!" he snapped. "Keep reading!"

"Ahem…" Yugi said, and looked down. "Next is Yami…" He began to read. "Alright, so… this is Ryou's friendship journal…" He continued reading. Towards the end things started to get a little weird. "I don't feel comfortable reading this next line…"

"Read it!" Marik urged.

"Alright, um… Although it _was _something of a turn-on. Watching Bakura drag my father's mummified body through the streets of Ancient Egypt…"

Everyone turned as one being to look at Yami in horror, Bakura included. Yami however, was beaming hugely. "Well Bakura, now you know my secret. So…" He gave him a suggestive wink. Bakura dry retched.

"Yeah, nice Yami, but uh… oh!" He grabbed Ryou. "Me and Ryou are… ya know…" He turned Ryou to face him and kissed him passionately, right in front of them all. Then, figuring he should have some fun, he slid a hand up his hikari's shirt and stroked his chest.

Ryou slapped his hand away.

Yami hung his head in miserable defeat, and Yugi blushed. "Er, moving on…" He petted Yami's hair. "Next is… Joey. Where is he anyway? Oh well."

Joey's entry was duly read out and didn't cause much of a fuss, apart from Kaiba getting huffy and insisting he wasn't fat.

"Speaking of you Kaiba, your entry is next," Yugi smiled, flipping some pages. Just then, Joey walked in the door. "There you are Joey! What kept you?"

"Wardrobe problems," Joey muttered, taking off his coat to reveal the kinky purple leather Marik had cursed upon his supple frame. Said psychopath snorted back laughter. Bakura would have too, had he not still been kissing his hikari with fiery passion.

"I look like a bunch of anorexic grapes!" Joey whined.

"You look fine Joey, really," Duke assured him, touching his shoulder and shooting Tristan a smug look.

"I do?" Joey sniffled.

"You do," Duke insisted. "Yugi, keep reading."

"Alright. Next, Kaiba's entry…"

"Yeah, I came right in time!" Joey grinned.

"Ahem…" Yugi cleared his throat again. "This is shit. Signed, Seto Kaiba, CEO of Kaiba Corporations… Hi everyone, Mokuba here…!"

Five minutes later everyone was staring in horror at Seto Kaiba, _gay _CEO of Kaiba Corporations.

"MOKUBA!" Kaiba roared. "How could you write that about me!"

"It's okay Seto, you don't have to hide anymore," Mokuba assured him, petting his arm. "We all know you're gay now, you can let it out."

"Let it out! I'll let it out alright – let out a few choice facts! One, the sounds in the elevator was me and Bakura punching each other up! He'd been hiding the elevator all day scaring people! Two, I was in that gay bar for a business lunch apparently, until those men tried to _rape _me and I ran away! Three, the foot long was a sandwich from SubWay that someone was trying to force-feed me! Four, I had a lisp after I burnt my tongue on some coffee! And five, I was in the ballet academy to visit my secretary! I'm not gay, I'm sleeping with the secretary!"

Mokuba took his brother's hand and petted it. "Is your secretary a guy?"

"NO!"

Perhaps Kaiba was about to throttle his little brother just then, if Yami hadn't interrupted by running past and glomping Joey and Duke to the ground. "Get off Joey you bitch Duke, he's mine!"

"No one wants you Yami, you're too old!"

"You little whore!"

"Go gel your hair!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!" Yami and Duke proceeded to bitch-fight, right there on top of Joey, who stared in horror as Yami clawed desperately at Duke's angry green eyes, and Duke tried to rip Yami's wavy blonde fringe out.

"Um…" Yugi glanced at the pair worriedly, then decided it was best just to press on. "Next is Marik's entry – "

"Mwahahahahahahahaha!" Right on cue Marik let out an evil cackle.

"And that's basically how it starts. Ahem," Yugi said. "Oh no matter how many times I write that it doesn't get old…"

Marik's entry was particularly short, so Yugi was almost finished in a few short minutes. "Mr Wheeler, from this day on the _only _clothing that will fit you is… purple leather. This happens – "

"You spiky blonde haired anal licking piece of crap!" Joey interrupted, throwing Yami and Duke off himself to he could attack Marik. He tackled him around the knees and they fell to the ground, Joey punching angrily.

"My hair, my hair!" Marik squealed. "Malik, help me!"

Malik ran over to help his yami, holding the hat he was wearing firmly onto to his head. But was stopped by Yugi. "Hey Malik, I think someone cursed the page you wrote on. Something's funny about it…"

Curious, Malik came over and had a look. Being the Egyptian expert that he was, he could spot a curse a mile away. And he _had _been cursed. He spoke the words of the curse to himself. "Make my hikari as bald as can be…"

Malik froze. Marik noticed and fell silent. Joey stopped punching him to see what was wrong. Even Bakura stopped ravishing his hikari to see what was up. The silence was so thick you could hear an ant sneeze.

Somewhere an ant _did _sneeze. And that bought Malik back down to earth. "MY HAIR!" He ripped his hat off to reveal he was bald underneath. "I HATE YOU MARIK!" Mimicking Joey, Malik leapt onto his yami and punched him as hard as he could, repeatedly.

"Err…" Yugi looked around. Ryou was being molested in one corner, Duke and Yami were duking it out in another, Kaiba was chasing his brother around with homicidal intent written all over his face, Marik was having chunks of hair ripped out by his hikari while Joey punched him in the stomach, and Tristan was on the couch looking depressed. "There's only two more entries to go.." Yugi said with fake cheeriness, and opened the journal again. "Here's yours, Tristan… _Hey there, it's Tristan…_"

Duke stopped biting Yami to listen to what his ex-boyfriend had written. When Yugi reached the "I hate saying 'I love you' to Duke" part he cried out in agony. "Woe is me!"

"Wait Duke, there's more," Yugi reassured him. He kept reading, a soppy look crossing his face until he read the final words. "I love Duke. From Tristan."

Duke's eyes filled with tears. "Awwww, TRISTAN!" He kicked Yami, who happily scuttled away to Joey. "Yes, run away you desperate man-whore. Tristan!" He held his arms open for Tristan to come running to him…

* * *

Duke's Fantasy… 

I Think I Love You _by _Kaci _plays in the background…_

_Tristan ran towards him across a field of daisies, arms open, smiling moronically. Right on top of a flower-covered hilltop they met, running into each other's arms and spinning around giddily, laughing with happiness. Together they fell to the ground, still hugging, daisies flying up into the air all around._

_As the daisies settled, Duke and Tristan found themselves on a wooden pier at a river, hidden deep within a magical forest. Holding hands they ran along the wooden slats, their feet thumping in time with their heartbeats until they reached the end and leapt into the water together, sending a huge splash up onto the river bank._

_As the water disperses, Tristan and Duke are sitting on a hilltop, watching the sunset in their wet clothing. Duke picks up a glass of champagne to take a sip, only to discover a diamond engagement ring floating in his alcohol. He pulled it out and shook it try, sparkling droplets of bubbly champagne flying through the air._

_Once they fly past, Duke is lying in his bed. The moonlight filters through his open window, making everything glow silver. The lace curtains flutter in the breeze and as Duke opens his eyes, Tristan flies through the open window and circles above his bed before fluttering down to Duke, leaning in to give him a kiss…_

* * *

Returning to the present, Duke found himself in Tristan's arms as Yugi finished reading out Duke's journal entry. 

"Non-homosexual arse sideways. Goodbye," Yugi read, snapping the journal shut. "And that is that."

Ryou shot Duke a worried look, but seeing as Duke seemed well and truly preoccupied, he gladly returned to being sexually harassed. Yugi took all his friends in worriedly. Everywhere he looked someone was being murdered or molested. Possibly both.

"Yugi!" Marik cried out from underneath Malik, Joey and Yami. "I suggest we dispose of that heinous journal at once!"

"Hmm, that _does _seem the reasonable thing to do…" Yugi said. "What do you think, Ryou?"

"Oh get rid of it," Ryou shrugged. "After all, I've succeeded. Look how close everyone is now!" He gestured everyone in their tight-knit groups of two and three, brawling and making out. "Bakura, get your hands out of there."

* * *

Two Days Later… 

Everyone was gathered together at the rubbish dump, standing in a group at the edge of a precipice of garbage, facing a steady drop down to a valley of landfill below.

Everyone had more or less recovered. Bakura and Ryou were set to go on a double with Duke and Tristan once they had disposed of the journal. Yami was happily leaving suggestive messages on Kaiba's answering machine. Kaiba had changed his phone number. Joey had taken up professional boxing. Marik couldn't eat solids for a month. He was also bald. And Malik had removed the curse himself and his hair had grown back rather quickly.

And now it was time.

"Gentlemen, we have gathered here today to bid farewell to a good friend of ours," Yugi began. "He may not have been real, but he was real to – oh, Marik!"

Marik had snatched the journal and hurled it into the valley of waste. "Oh shut up. Let's go home."

Everyone voiced their agreement and turned their backs on the journal, without sparing a second glance. But perhaps they should have. Because then they would have spotted the tall, red-swathed figure sorting through the rubbish, and whom stumbled across the journal.

"Croquet, look at this!" Pegasus cried, waving to his assistant. "I've found a book!"

THE END

* * *

**Well there you have it. It's finished... IT'S FINISHED!**

**IT'S FINISHED IT'S FINISHED IT'S FINISHED IT'S FINISHED!**

**Oh I'm so happy! I love you all! Everyone who reviewed, I love you! Everyone who read it, please review if you didn't! THANKYOU ALL!**


End file.
